Let’s talk about our “self talk.” I often find myself having “victim” thoughts; however, because I intentionally practice rerouting them, I am able to turn them into “victor” thoughts.
The ultimate enlightenment came from studying the Enneagram about a year ago. It’s a wonderful tool that sheds light on the person you’ve become as a result of your childhood wounds. Unlike other personality tests and tools, the Enneagram focuses on first opening your eyes to the mask you wear as a defense mechanism and then teaches you how to peel off the mask to reveal your true self, the innocent child prior to being wounded. If you are awake and aware of your True Self, you have the power to be the Victor of your story. However, if you continue to wear your mask and live life asleep, you are doomed to play the Victim.
If you are interested in taking the Enneagram test, I recommend taking it and then spend at least 6 months studying each number (1-9) before declaring your number. The test only reveals your subconscious, but you are the ultimate deciding factor in choosing your number. Your number is likely the one that you detest the most and identify with.
So what’s the difference between a Victim and a Victor? The difference is clear and easily identifiable. Yet, we let one win almost every time.
A Victim is someone who takes no responsibility for their actions. They fear the world and think everything that happens to them is out of their control. This mindset will likely lead you down a path of worry, self-doubt, shame, apathy, anxiety, inferiority, failure, sickness, poverty, depression, weakness, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and loneliness.
A Victor is someone who takes responsibility for their actions. They believe they are in control of their life and welcome the opportunity to overcome obstacles and barriers. This mindset will lead you down a path of self-worth, strength, confidence, happiness, contentment, optimism, wellness, wealth, peace, and healthy relationships.
Think about the difference in emotion between a victim and a victor. A victim usually lets emotions dictate and define their mentality and actions. He or she thinks, “I feel; therefore, I am.” A victor recognizes the emotions he or she is feeling, sits with them for a bit, and then asks, why am I feeling this way? What is happening in this moment that is triggering a fear inside of me? Why do I have this fear and how did I learn it?
Keep reading for how to adjust your perspective from victim to victor.
Change ‘to’ to ‘for’
Instead of asking “Why is this happening to me?,” change your question to “Why is this happening for me?”Sarah Hernholm, Founder/President of WIT, Inc., an entrepreneur and leadership program for teens. TEDxYouth Talk.
Meaning, with the obstacle before me, what is the lesson to be learned here? How is this difficult situation going to mold me into a better human being? It is my natural born right as a human to adapt, overcome, and learn from the adversities in my environment.
Stop being entitled
I deserve this. Why can’t I ever get what I deserve?
(First of all, ‘deserve’ is a dangerous word. It is used as a justification to indulge in something that you typically wouldn’t indulge in. Sometimes leading to financial, physical, or emotional damage.)
I have a college degree so I should be able to land a high salary job as a Senior Producer and skip any entry level position. I refuse to apply for an entry level position.
I know I have flaws, but people should accept me for who I am. If they don’t like me, I don’t need them in my life.
I show up to work and do my part every day. I should get a raise. I don’t understand why my boss doesn’t recognize my hard work.
I work so hard and I am truly grateful for the clothes on my back, my health, my relationships, and the opportunity to see another day.
I have a college degree and have the basic knowledge that it takes to listen and learn from experts/mentors who have experienced failure and turned it into success. Then one day, I can apply my accumulation of knowledge and real life experience into a fruitful career.
I am making the time to find my true self, love myself, and establish my own values and morals. I understand that not everyone makes time for this and I’m okay with that. We’re all just trying to do our best.
I realize that my boss has responsibilities that I cannot even begin to imagine and probably doesn’t notice every little thing I do on a day-to-day basis. As an employee who shows up on time, does the work that’s expected of me, furthers my education in my field, and goes above and beyond my job description, I understand that if I want a raise or a promotion, I need to be transparent and clearly communicate these things with my boss. I will never get what I want if I don’t ask.
Stop projecting your perception on others
Lavender doesn’t talk to me as much as she does to other people. She must think she’s better than me.
Mint is really quiet today. I bet he thinks I’m a bad friend or that I did something wrong.
I washed the dishes, put the laundry away, made the bed, got the kids ready for school, and made my husband breakfast. He never does anything to help. He must not love me.
I’d really like to talk to Lavender more. I should smile and make conversation with her. We don’t know each other all that well yet. I totally get it.
I should ask Mint how his day is going and remind him that I’m always here for him if he needs a friend to talk to on good and bad days.
I need to communicate to my husband that my love language is acts of service. I also need to try to better understand how he feels loved so that we both feel appreciated and heard.
I don’t understand why I can’t lose any weight. I’ve tried every diet and yet the weight won’t budge. I think I’ll just quit.
I’m not good at this. Why is everything in life so hard for me? Other people have it so easy.
The house is a mess. The kids are acting up. I stubbed my toe. My back hurts. I got stuck in traffic today. The air conditioning unit stopped working. I didn’t prep my lunch so I have to eat fast food again. I haven’t had a second to myself today.
I honestly don’t prioritize my health like I should and instead justify unhealthy rewards with words like “I deserve this.” I understand that if I want real change, I need to humble myself to being a learner, commit to the process, and hold myself accountable as an adult who makes decisions that shape my reality every day.
I am not good at this, but one day I will be because I make an effort to overcome uncomfortable situations. I will be better for trying than not trying at all.
I am in a position in life where I have the things I have always dreamed of. I have a roof over my head, a family that I am a part of shaping as upstanding citizens, a gym community that knows my body and how to strengthen it, a reliable source of transportation, and a strong mind to make good food choices even though I wasn’t as prepared as I could’ve been. When I get home, I’m going to hug my family and tell them how much I love them.
You can be the Victor NOW.
If you have played the victim for decades, know that you can start being the victor of your story the second you finish reading this article. If you find yourself having victim thoughts and aren’t versed in how to change them into victor thoughts, ask for help. Even victors need therapists. If you don’t have a therapist, consult a friend who you trust.
You may be feeling embarrassed or ashamed for having victim thoughts. Please know that you are not alone. Every human on the planet experiences thoughts like these. It takes awareness and practice to reroute them.
How to reroute victim to victor thoughts:
- Take pause.
- Figure out the real “fear” and defense mechanism behind the emotion you are feeling.
- Make steps to overcome that fear and return to genuine innocence.
- Allow yourself to understand someone else’s perspective.
- Apply gratitude.
Know that Coty and I are here for you. We understand and we are here to listen. Reach out to us at firstname.lastname@example.org